Struck By Lightning

It all started more than a year before…at first, I thought it was a pregnancy-induced syndrome but after delivering my second child, the problem still persists till now…What I mean is my voice problem, or medically, I can say it as hyperfunctional voice disorder…the symptom began with persistent hoarseness in my voice, I coughed quite badly during the first trimester of my pregnancy..after two months of heavy coughing, a GP prescribed a strong antibiotics and potent cough syrup that managed to cure the symptom. However, till now, my voice is getting worse…my speech always seems breathy, and I often feel tired when talking as if I'm using all my effort to speak..I strain my speech muscle a lot. Some times I even feel like I'm using all the air inside my lungs and suffocate to breath..

Fortunately, my eldest sister, is an army doctor who, in her way did everything that she could to help me. Last year, using her position as a captain and also a doctor, she managed to refer me to an army specialist and I got special attention. I didn't have to queue up for months as in government hospital. One day she called me to set up the appointment, the next day I got to see the specialist. Of course, in an army hospital, a medical centre in Sungai Besi. The specialist, who is also a colonel officer at first diagnosed me for having a nervous system-related disease that is the Myasthenia Gravis syndrome, an autoimmune disease where your body produces antibodies that attack your own receptors. He requested for blood sample to run test. No such test can be conducted here in Malaysia, so we had to send the sample of my blood to Australia. Result came two months later with a NEGATIVE. Alhamdulillah, at least I'm not suffering from a nervous system disorder..Thank you Kak Yang…for helping me…well, as a generous big sister, Kak Yang paid for all the costs of check up and blood test.

My voice is my asset. An avid speaker once, I never felt sorry for my condition. I accept this as a fate yet I pity my students so much. They deserve to get the very best from me, as their teacher, but in my condition, I could not fulfill their wish to give the best a teacher should. I struggle to utter words and terms in class. Sometimes, the sentence that I speak is not complete when words seem like being gulped into my throat instead of spewing them out. But I do try my best to seek for alternative in aiding my teachings…thank to the technology…I use a lot of multimedia presentations, audio visual teaching aids, OHP and posters. To those students who get used to my teachings, they show appreciation… obviously. But to those new students, sometimes they show inconvenient faces…I understand it must be so hard to them to pay attention in class with my worsening voice…Though I'm facing lots of difficulties to carry out my duties as an educator, I still thank Allah who aids me in my teachings. He gave me creativities and ideas so that students feel that my class is interesting and lively…Last year, my students always scored the best results in exams compared to other classes. More than 60% of my form three students (25 out of 36) scored A for the subject I taught in PMR…Alhamdulillah…

What upsets me most is the attitude of my hubby…he never showed real effort to take me for treatment…every time I told him about my condition, he didn't show any reaction…he hardly responded…one night, he even walked away from the bedroom leaving me weeping alone…I don't understand how he could react like that to me…There were always postponement or delayed if we have agreed to see the doctor on a certain date..always because of his other commitment….hubby, if you ever read this, please try to understand me…I need you to be by my side during my ups and downs…I need you to comfort me and support me when I'm losing hope and confidence..where were you when I need you? Where were you when I need strength? we never know what is the reason behind my condition…who knows maybe it is lethal, pharynx cancer or what…will you ever cry on my dead body? Only Allah knows..

This Monday, I'm going to see an ortorhinolaryngology specialist…alone, without my husband. I never tell him nothing…I can't wait for his attention any longer. I have to fight this disease all by myself…my babies are still small to understand if they ever lose me…I just hope Allah will give me all the strength to seek for remedy..

For more information on voice disorders, please go to these links:
http://www.nidcd.nih.gov/health/voice/vocalabuse.asp
http://otolaryngologyheadandnecksurgery.org/healthinfo/throat/common-disorders.cfm